Life and times of a boy

If any of you have been in a serious relationship during the last few years, for god sake, stay in it! It doesn’t matter how much you’d like to stick your significant other’s head in the microwave on HIGH for 8-10 minutes, it can’t be worse than what the dating scene has become.

I made the decision of putting myself back on the market about a year plus ago, only to discover that the market has been replaced with a freakapalooza. Between Facebook, online dating, MSN and text messaging, the way singles communicate, meet new people and form relationships has transformed into something that I can only describe as “Aliens making out with Predators.” It’s ugly, dangerous, and likely to leave both parties plotting to hunt down and destroy each other until the end of time. The following is part one of a two part series on being single in today’s crazed world, it contains the tale of my most recent dating experience, and why I spent most of it fearing for my life. This entire new tech craze has turned the world of dating on its head.

First Dates Have Undergone a Facebook-lift

Before I get into what I like call “The Haunting,” I do have a few positive things to say about Facebook and first dates. Thanks to Facebook, the days of blind dating are over. Since most of my coupled friends find it impossible to believe that anyone could be single and happy, they are constantly trying to hook me up.

Which to be honest, I don’t really mind. I love eating, drinking, and going to movies, so blind dates give me excuses to wine, dine and watch all the romantic comedies I would eventually have to buy DVD by myself in secret. They also give me a chance to dust off all my A-jokes and A-stories. The only problem is that I can usually tell within the first five minutes whether or not I want to ever see this person again. I am either immediately attracted, to someone or I’m not, which can make for a long and excruciating evening if I’m not.

So now, whenever friends tell me they’ve got this great guy they want me to meet, they usually follow it up with “you can check out their pic on Facebook.” This process has saved me a lot of time, money, and awkward excuses as to why I’m “busy” for the next forty-seven weeks.

Let the creepy begin…

I met this guy after a comedy show. He was sweet, funny, and had a smile that distracted me. As we chatted I thought I was making all the right moves, saying all the right things, making him laugh at all the right moments (right as he was sipping his drink), but in the end he hit me with the “I’ve had a great time. We should hook up at some point, here’s my email address.” His email? We just spent forty-five minutes talking face-to-face, but when it came down to getting in touch, he would rather read from me in New Times Roman. Not a good sign.

The very next day however, he requested to be added as a friend on Facebook. He wouldn’t give me his phone number, but now I’m supposed to accept him as a “friend.” But what am I supposed to do? Hit Ignore? That would end things too quickly, so despite my reluctance, I let him in. It felt wrong immediately. We’ve only met once and I already feel like he was encroaching on my privacy, checking every photo, judging every comment, speculating about every guy I’m friends with. We haven’t even kissed yet and I feel like I have to start “behaving” in Facebook land.

A week goes by and I send him an FBmail, setting up our first date. And although I admit it was much easier than making that dreaded first phone call, complete with sweaty palms, racing heart and the countdown from 10 before you hit “dial,” asking a bloke out via FBmail was anything but hot. Less than an hour later, he’s requesting to be added to my MSN contact list.

For someone who wouldn’t give me his phone number, he was certainly interested in communicating. I’d be at work and I couldn’t go five minutes without his name flashing orange at the bottom of my screen. And heaven forbid I went more than two minutes without responding to his messages, suddenly my whole screen would vibrate from his impatient “nudges.” Apparently “Sorry, would love to chat but I’m at work” held no value to him, as his response to my email reeked of passive aggression, with remarks like “just try not to ignore me at dinner like you do on MSN.” he told me later that he was only joking, but I saw right through his “lols” and his semi-colon brackets. I always “appear offline” now on MSN to him that is.

The Date

It’s very difficult for me to capture the full date experience, so I’ve tried to recreate the highlights of the conversation, with all the comments and questions that would never have occurred without Facebook, and had he just given me his damn digits to begin with.

We were having drinks and dinner at a pub.

Him: “Are you dating so and so?”
Paper: “Who’s so and so?”
Him: “The guy hugging you on that day?”
Paper: (slightly concerned): “What?”
Him: “From the Facebook picture.”
Paper: “Oh, right, of course. No, he’s my ex.”
Him: “Do you and your ex still see each other?”
Paper: “Umm, sometimes. Why?”
Him: (fondling the butter knife): “Just curious.”

Paper: “So I was at this party….”
Him: “Do you mean A’s party?”
Paper: “Uhh, yes, actually, how the heck did you know that?”
Him: “Facebook photos. You have an album marked ‘A’s party.”
Paper: “Oh right, Facebook.”

Needless to say, the date ended awkwardly. The funny thing is, without his phone number I never had to call him to say that I’ll be busy for the next 47 weeks.